I Hope You Had The Time of Your Life

Well, my party was amazing. I would have written yesterday, but I was resting and gearing up for work last night. Plus, I had to buy a GPS for my trip up to NC and still get my oil changed.

I was doing very well as far as keeping my emotions in check throughout the day. I didn't realize how hard it would be to have all my friends in one room, all wanting to say 'see you later' to me. I went outside to talk to my mom and I just broke down and sobbed. . . . granted the alcohol didn't help, but still. All my friends came outside and hugged me and told me everything would be fine and I will do great in NC. I'm still scared though. . . excited, but scared. I think this is the hardest part of my move, the anticipation and the buildup of me leaving.

My friend of five years came by to say bye to me. He and I have experienced college together, but he's very much a troublemaker. Always in trouble with the law and with girls. We were saying goodbye and ended up kissing. I told him that, while I do like him and he's an amazing person and such an important guy in my life, nothing can really happen with us. He's leaving for med school and I'm obviously leaving for good. So we just enjoyed each others company and then he left. He kinda calmed me down too because I was still crying so much lol.

I took quite a few pictures so as soon as I upload them, I'll post them here. But now I gotta finish packing. Ack, can't believe how real this is all becoming. I'm leaving so much behind. It's bittersweet.

Every Mile A Memory

I've never been much of a sleeper, and it's really only been recently that I've been able to even fall asleep. Tonight I have so much running through my head and I'm starting to get a sick feeling in my stomach, so I thought I'd turn here.

I leave for NC on Saturday. THIS SATURDAY. I was completely fine with moving all the way up until now. Don't get me wrong, I'm still excited, but now I'm extremely nervous. I'm leaving my friends, some whom I've known most of my life, and I'm leaving my sister. My mom will be up in NC in Octoberish, but my sister's staying here because she has an amazing job, and she has her own apartment with her boyfriend, so moving is out of the question. I'm scared to leave everything behind. I know I'm going to make some more amazing friends, but it's still nervewracking. I'll love NC, but it's just the fact I'm leaving everything I've ever known behind that's making me all icky inside.

Plus, it'll really show who my TRUE friends are. I have had this going away party planned for a month and it's tomorrow. I actually let one of my friends know a few days before I posted the event on facebook and she promised she would come (she was the one who introduced me to my ex and we were best friends for quite some time. She road tripped with me to Texas to meet up with him and her boyfriend when they returned from Iraq). Welllllll fast forward to this week. I text her a few times, asking whether she was coming because I really needed to know and I was hoping to see her before I leave for good. She writes me tonight "Sorry I won't be able to make it. Chris surprised me with a weekend in #@@!(#(!. I'll miss you though!" Wait what?? You knew about this for a month. I said you could have brought him, so this means you probably didn't even mention wanting to go. You knew I've been trying to get in touch with you all week. I know you keep your phone on you and you constantly bitch about your boyfriend and how much you can't stand him and want to leave him for a guy you met on W.O.W. THIS shows me that you really don't have any feelings whether I'm leaving or not. Whatever, like I said, this just shows who my friends are and who they aren't. . . . or something like that?

Alright, I'm going to TRY and go to bed again. I feel like I want to throw up because I'm so nervous, but hopefully it'll be daylight soon and I won't have to worry about sleeping lol. Yay party!!

P.S. I know this is supposed to be about me looking for love, but I haven't even had time for myself this past week. lol, I promise once I move this will turn more toward that :-)

Gives You Hell

Yesterday was a weird day for me, all the way up until I fell asleep at night. I kept wondering why the hell my ex cheated on me. What could I have done different to prevent this? What does she have that I don't? Is she prettier? Smarter? More loving? Is she funnier? I could not escape these questions and emotions and it just brought a wave of blah-ness over me. I kept thinking of our relationship and how happy I thought we were (even in our bad times we were still good). I don't know why I kept thinking about this because it's not like I cried over it or stayed in bed all day. I just had that gross feeling that I couldn't get past.

I thought of how, when we were breaking up, how he asked (almost begged) me to write him while he was deployed and how he would see where I was when he returned. I mean, I don't even know if he was being honest about his deployment. He told me he still loved me but I don't know if I believe that. How am I going to ever trust a guy again when I've been screwed over like this?

It's not the first time I've been cheated on either. My very first relationship (my first everything) I was cheated on. The guy played World of Warcraft and met a girl in California. They called and sent pictures of each other every night. The night we broke up, she flew out a few days later and I found out they had sex. That seriously hurt me. It made me feel worthless, like I wasn't even good enough for my boyfriend to love me.

I feel so much better today though. I woke up and shrugged it off. If she makes him happy, then I'm happy for them. I still wish karma would bite them in the ass. And I hope he wishes the same for me. The future holds a lot for the both of us I guess.

In happier news!! I'm gearing up for my party on Sunday. My mom's helping me out. We're having BBQ pulled pork, pasta salad, brownies, chips, veggies, and lots and lots of drinks :-D I'm making jello shots because I've never had them before. I'm so excited to see my friends one last time before I leave on the 14th. I'd love to construct some sort of beer pong table, but I might just get something from Spencers. They have cool party stuff that would entertain my friends.

Woohoo!! And I will be sure to post pics here too :-)